DRUG DEALERS

DRUG DEALERS

One thing that you have to give drug dealers credit for, is that they know about keeping law and order.

You’re surprised? You didn’t know that? OK, so they do all the usual advertising (word-of-mouth, or a pair of old tackies slung over a telephone line or whatever - you didn’t know about the tackies? – oh dear, you are innocent, aren’t you! – it is a standard, international sign that the entrance nearest to the tackies is a “smokkel-huis” -  a drug dealer’s place of business, which may also double as a brothel or other place of nefarious under-the-wire business).

If you have not been inducted into that society, don’t go there. They don’t take prisoners. And think twice about talking to the police. For obvious reasons.

So this Saturday, I’m walking away from a neighbourhood protest about the illegal “boarding houses” being erected by illegal immigrant Nigerians in our area (a modest, middle class residential area (see note 1)). I’m walking to my car, which I have thoughtfully parked a distance away from the gathering point for the protest, out of concern, you know.

And here come two obvious drunks in high spirits, talking loudly, hanging onto each other for support, occasionally slamming into a brick wall while re-establishing their stability. And then suddenly the inevitable drunk thing happens. The warm friendship is oys shidduch, and they start yelling and cursing at each other, and one of our Intrepid Two missteps off the pavement and goes down in the road. Luckily, his fall is broken by his face.

A stunned silence of a couple of seconds ensues, followed by some revved up ultra-robust cussing, while The Face comes up off the tar.

But what these two geniuses haven’t noticed is the pair of tackies dangling from an overhead telephone cable right in front of the high gate where their incident occurred. As I told you, this is not a good place for this sort of thing.

A fight between drunks consists mostly of a lot of inarticulate shouting of the obscene kind, and some ineffectual pushing and shoving. Sort of like walruses. Unless someone pulls out a weapon, no serious damage is going to be done.

But then something happens. This big gate opens, and a beeeg coloured man in tight black jeans and a tight black T-shirt and really shiny black shoes comes out, relaxed and casual like, and ever so gently and solicitously curls his sausage-like fingers round the collar of the nearest drunk. I watch from a safe distance down the road. I think I caught a whiff of death in the air, then I realise this is just the big guy’s deodorant. It smells like that. Suddenly, there’s an awful lot of silence around.

Ever so gently, the big guy lifts the drunk off the ground by his shirt. I can see some glorious muscles working there (Gd, I wish I looked like that!) I hold my breath.

He holds the drunk’s face about 2cm from his own and speaks to him patiently, gently, as you would speak to a toddler.

“Luister , djy, verstaan nou vir my mooi” says Big Guy - “Ons gedra nie vir o’self so in hierie plek’ie. Djy moet djou bekeer. Djy moet lekker wees. Of djy moet fokof hie’vana of djy gaan seer kry. Baie seer. Hoor djy vir my?” (Trans: "Listen to me carefully now: we don't behave like that over here. You must reign yourself in. You must be cool. Or you must f/o out of here or you'll get hurt. Badly hurt. D'you hear me?")

And with that, Big Guy lowered his toddler to the pavement, turned on his heel, re-entered the gate, and shut it so gently that I heard the latch click. 

All in all, that must be the most persuasive argument that I’ve ever heard. And evidently our two heroes thought so too. They say that nothing clarifies the mind like the thought of imminent death, and it certainly worked for our two. 

Suddenly they were stone cold sober. That happens, you know. They made off down the road, round the corner and out of sight, jabbering in hushed tones all the way.

Do you have drug dealers in your street? It’s quiet there, isn’t it? The last thing they want is bloody police vans cruising around…

© Harry Friedland

HEARTS & DRUMS

April 2023