SHAKING HANDS

Do you know the origin of the practise of the handshake?

Apparently it comes from the time when men carried swords.

You shake someone’s hand by extending your dominant hand to the other person: a proof that you are not going to draw your sword (something that you could also do with your dominant hand). The other person then reciprocates by doing the same thing. Of course, a limp handshake could mean that you are going to pull your hand away and draw your sword anyway, while a good firm grip means that you ain’t gonna do that.

You will however have noticed that some men shake hands as if with the intention of inflicting pain: the really unnecessarily tight handshake which cracks tarsal and metatarsal bones, interrupts blood supply and provokes a sharp exclamation of pain from the other party. It is clearly intended to establish dominance from the get-go, and might even not be a greeting but instead, a declaration of war….

I knew an American businessman who did that to me, once – about three years ago. He’s dead now. Heart attack, I was told. I refrained from three hearty cheers but it was an effort.

So if Mr Montague encountered Mr Capulet along the waterways of Venice, and extended his dominant hand while his sword remained in it’s sheath, and Mr Capulet did likewise, peace would reign.

And what probably happened is that Shylock was eyeing these two bloody goyim, saw and figured out what they were doing, and thought, “What an excellent idea!”

And the very next shabbos after shul came out in Venice all the Jews stood outside blocking the traffic and saying:

“Good shabbos!     good shabbos!     good shabbos!        fucketh thou!     good shabbos!        mamzer!” etc. – and a great and enduring tradition was born.

BUT

They weren’t being as original as they thought they were: see the Book of Numbers 25:8. However I must say that I’m a little disappointed with Numbers 25.8 because it doesn’t bear me out as explicitly as I thought it would: my old Tanach teacher at Herzlia told us that what ACTUALLY HAPPENED was that “The Israelite” (his name is not disclosed for reasons of confidentiality) goes up to Pinchas WITH HIS RIGHT HAND EXTENDED IN GREETING, assuming that Pinchas would do the same, not knowing that Pinchas was a Southpaw (left-handed). Pinchas thus, using the element of surprise, uses his left hand, which is actually his dominant hand, to cross-draw his sword, which is sheathed on his right side to fool his enemies (obviously this is a trick which Pinchas has used many times before, with deadly effect).

The Unnamed Israelite and his bonking partner, who have already been thrown off balance by coitus interruptus, are both skewered like a sosatie with a single thrust.

God thinks this is a Really Cool Trick and Pinchas becomes Kohein Gadol.

Beware left-handed swordsmen. Or hand-shakers.

© HARRY FRIEDLAND

Hearts & Drums

2023 06 30